Hello and how are you all doing out there in television land? To the Cadets of West Point, to the those in our armed forces, to my fellow citizens in the United States and Kenya and, most importantly, to the members of Brownie Troop 192 of Aliquippa, Beaver County, Pennsylvania : I want to direct my comments to the forlorn, misguided and hopeless labors I have chosen for you to undertake in far-off Afghanistan – I will talk about our commitment there, I will avoid scope of our interests, and even further elaborate for you the fanciful and imaginary strategy that my Administration has been telling you we will pursue to bring this war to a successful conclusion. It is an honor for me to do so here – in the West Wing – where so many men and women have prepared to broadcast a weekly television program built around dramatized events that may or may not have happen or may yet happen in the White House. These television professionals stand up for our security and with the complicity and cash of advertisers represent what is finest about our country – like Ivory Soap, Cinnamon Flavored Buns and Shaving Cream.
In addressing these issues you should close your eyes and recall exactly what I have been telling you through Press Releases, carefully scripted appearances on Sunday morning political shows, ‘Oprah!’ and ‘The David Letterman Show’ about why America decided to drag our allies into a mock war in Afghanistan in the first place. Do you have your eyes closed? Can you remember what you have been told? Okay, open your eyes now but keep tightly focused on what I have already told you and don’t add anything to it yourself – if you do – you will just spoil it. Okay - we did not ask for this fight – we just decided to go and have it ourselves. On September 11, 2001, nineteen men, most of them Saudi Arabian citizens, many of whom were trained in the United States to fly commercial airliners, hijacked four of those same commercial airplanes and used them to murder nearly 3,000 people – give or take a few hundred and, of course, including all the firemen that Mayor Giuliani ordered into the building at a crucial time which caused the outflow of people to slow and therefore increased the number of dead…enough said on that.
Okay – then they struck at our military and economic nerve centers. They flew a plane into the Pentagon and tried to fly one into the White House but that one crashed in Pennsylvania or somewhere. Recall, remember and believe with me that they took the lives of innocent people some of whom were merely reporting for duty as they normally would to the Central Intelligence Agency offices that we had innocently placed next to the American Stock Exchange.
As you know, if you have been paying attention, these citizens of Saudi Arabia and were men belonged to a group run by Osama Bin Laden which is al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida – a group of lunatics who, according to me and the great prophet Mohamad have distorted and defiled Islam, one of the world’s great religions, to justify killing people. al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida’s base of operations was in Afghanistan, even though these men came from Saudi Arabia, their base was in Afghanistan, even though they were Saudi Arabians their base was in Afghanistan and not Pakistan where it seems it is now. We believe and you must believe also that they were harbored by the Taliban – a ruthless, repressive and radical movement of invaders from Tajikistan and Pakistan that seized control of Afghanistan after it was occupied by the Russians and finally left in civil war after we supplied the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden with money and weapons to attack the Russians and then commited to an extended civil war using American weapons and financing.
Days after 9/11, Congress authorized the use of force against al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida and those who harbored them, like the Saudi Arabians and Pakistanis – an authorization that continues to this day but which we are only exercising in Afghanistan – and this is why I need you people to BELIEVE with me when I talk to you. The vote in the Senate was 98 to 0. The vote in the House was 420 to 1. The scores at the baseball games that week were : 7-0, 3-2, 5-4. Football score tallies included 17-3, 14-7 and 21-9 where I had the Oilers for 4 and would have won it if they had pulled it off.
For the first time in its history, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization invoked Article 5 – the commitment that says an attack on one member nation is an attack on all. So everyone felt attacked. You felt attacked. I felt attacked. Everyone in Europe felt attacked because of Article 5. The United Nations Security Council endorsed the use of all necessary steps to respond to the 9/11 attacks in some way and the United Nations immediately appealed to the United States to get the ball rolling by paying the billions in dollars it had been neglecting to send each year. America, that is North America, or more accurately the United States of America and most of our allies and some of the world were acting as one to destroy al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida’s terrorist network, and to protect our common security which was apparently tied up together somewhere but it was never pointed out exactly where considering that Russia and China and the United States and France and England and Israel and North Korea and Pakistan and India all have nuclear weapons pointing at each other and taking into account that childhood diseases, poverty and starvation still occur around the clock and around the world at an even more horrific rate than prior to 9/11. At least we have plenty of weapons and money. That’s what I like to say.
Under the smoke screen of this forced domestic unity forged by fear and international legitimacy forged by a whole lot of money– and only after the Taliban refused to turn over Osama bin Laden after claiming they did not have him and that we should look in Pakistan or even Saudi Arabia– we sent our Army, Marines, Air Force and even the Navy and Coast Guard into Afghanistan. I know Afghanistan is a landlocked county but the important thing is that the Navy and the Coast Guard went there, you know? BELIEVE WITH ME, PEOPLE! Within a matter of months, al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida we believed was scattered and a whole bunch of people were killed. The Taliban was driven from power and pushed back on its heels and held over a barrel and pushed down a hole and put between a rock and a hard place and taken back a piece and forced to understand that we weren’t kidding and that eventually we would find the right metaphor for them and they would be vanquished, conquered…uh, wrong word, don’t anyone use the word ‘conquer’ when talking about American forces. Shhh! A place that had known decades of fear now had reason to consider the happiness that can be had through a life of greed and avarice. At a conference convened by the United Nations, after we paid them some money, a provisional government was established under President Hamid Karzai who immediately committed the nation of Afghanistan to a far reaching policy of corruption, bribery and injustic. An International Security Assistance and Chinese Laundry Force was established to help bring a lasting peace to a war-torn country by tearing it up with war.
Then, in early 2003, a decision was made to attack Iraq. The wrenching debate over the Iraq War is well-known and I lost it and was made a fool of over many of my statements so it need not be repeated here. Everyone FORGET IT. It is enough to say that for the next six years, the Iraq War drew the dominant share of our troops, our resources, our diplomacy, and our national attention – and that the decision to go into Iraq caused substantial rifts between America and much of the world. We are not as close to Guatemala, Cuba or Gabon as we could be but after a careful course of sending flowers, candy and calling often and taking them out to dinner, we are making headway.
Today, after extraordinary costs, we are bringing the occupation of Iraq to a quiet end. Shhh! We will remove our combat brigades from Iraq by the end of next summer, and all of our troops by the end of 2011 and they will be sent directly to Afghanistan to my war. That we are doing so is somehow a testament to the character of our men and women in uniform but I am not quite sure how. It doesn’t matter anyway. Thanks to their courage, grit, spit, polish and perseverance , the Iraqis can continue to dominate the Kurds and fight among themselves for as long as want to and as long as they continue to be full of hatred and ignorance as they have been for the past 1800 years.
But while we have achieved hard-earned access to oil in Iraq, the situation in Afghanistan has deteriorated. It turns out they really don’t have anything and that most of the country is rocky and the soil is not that fertile. After escaping across the border into Pakistan al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida’s leadership established a safe-haven there. Although a legitimate government was elected by the Afghan people, it has been hampered by corruption, the drug trade, an under-developed economy, and insufficient Security Forces, interference by Pakistan and a continued influx of money from Saudi Arabia and Iran and weapons from China.
Over the last several years, the Taliban we keep telling you about, and you must continue to believe has maintained, common cause with al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida, as they both seek an overthrow of the Afghan government when it is finally established. Gradually, the Taliban has begun to take control over swaths of Afghanistan and entire regions of Pakistan and big sections of the Moon and one whole side of Mars and they continue to take the biggest pieces of cake after dinner while engaging in increasingly brazen and devastating acts of terrorism against the Pakistani people who have been harboring them and working with them and have themselves been working hard to continue engaging in increasingly brazen and devastating acts of terrorism against India.
Throughout this period, our troop levels in Afghanistan remained teeny. When I took office, we had just over 32,000 Americans serving in Afghanistan, compared to 160,000 in Iraq at the peak of the war. Commanders in Afghanistan repeatedly asked for support and ice machines but these things did not arrive.
That’s why, I, shortly after taking office, just as quick as a could, like a jackrabbit, yes, that’s it, like a jackrabbit, I approved a long-standing request for more and more troops and lots and lots of money. After consultations with our allies, including Bulgaria, I then announced a strategy between our war effort in Afghanistan, and the extremist safe-havens in Pakistan which had nothing to do with what we were doing but the Pakistanis like it because it supported their genocide of the people in the tribal areas. They realized they could quickly colonize the area if the United States would destabilize the area so they could kill all the inhabitants. I set a goal that was narrowly defined as disrupting, dismantling, and defeating al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida and its extremist allies and anyone we did not like or who would not work with us and be nice to us and pledged to better coordinate our military and civilian effort. Even though that coordination effort has failed we will still keep trying and spending money and killing anyone who gets in our way. So there!
Since then, we have made progress on some important objectives. High-ranking al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida and Taliban leaders have been killed lots of times. Some more than once and others over and over again. We have stepped up the pressure on al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida world-wide and hope to out compete them in several markets including fast food, textiles and blowing up mud huts in the near term. In Pakistan, that nation’s Army actually has gone out on its largest offensive in years. We even supplied some of their soldiers with bullets for their rifles and even though many of them shot at us we were able to sustain the attacks because we have much better body armor. In Afghanistan, we and our allies, including Bulgaria, prevented the Taliban from stopping a presidential election in such a way that they did not even try to stop it and it went on and on and when the ballots were counted all 25 billion ballots submitted were for ‘Our Guy Karzai!’. The American choice – can you believe it? YOU MUST BELIEVE IT. Thank you. Although it was marred by fraud – that election produced a government that is consistent with Afghanistan’s laws and Constitution which is based on fraud.
Huge challenges remain. I mean really big ones. For example, Afghanistan is not lost, but for several years it has moved backwards – I mean really far backwards. There seems to be a remnant of Cro-Magnon man living in the mountains that has descended into Afghanistan from Tajikistan and that is who were are fighting now. There is no imminent threat of the government being overthrown because there really is no government, but the Taliban has gained momentum and is going really fast. al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida has not reemerged in Afghanistan in the same numbers as before 9/11, but they retain their safe-havens along the border and have several condominiums in Kabul and on the Boston Waterfront near where the USS Constitution is docked. Their design appeal is not hampered at all by their complete lack of regard for the value of human life because as they put it, ‘At least we don’t finance a national system of abortion clinics like the United States does.’
Our forces lack the full support they need to effectively train and partner with Afghan Security Forces once some Afghan Security Forces are found and to better secure the population in concentration camps, I mean, ‘Citizen Population Centers’. Our new Commander in Afghanistan – General McChrystal – has reported that the security situation is more serious than he anticipated. He has also been quoted as saying "Are you asking about Vice President Biden? Who's that?" and "I'm saddened by the accusation that I don't care about soldiers, as it is something I suspect any soldier takes both personally and professionally – at least I do. But I know perceptions depend upon your perspective at the time, and I respect that every soldier's view is his own."
In short: the status quo is not sustainable. As cadets, you volunteered for service during this time of danger so you are out of luck and you are going to have to spend a large part of your young life in a dismal, dry and backward country fighting giant man-shaped monkeys from the stone-age past. Some of you have fought in Afghanistan and you’re gonna’ have to go back.
As your Commander-in-Chief, I owe you a mission that is clearly defined, and worthy of your service. As soon as I figure out what that is I will fax it to you. Let me be clear: there has never been an option before me that called for troop deployments before 2010, so there has been no delay or denial of resources necessary for the conduct of the war. It’s just like you have to BELIEVE me like everybody else and you MUST BELIEVE ME because I am the Commander-In-Chief and I say so.
The review has allowed me ask hard questions. I haven’t gotten any answers but I have made some up.
This review is now complete. I have determined that it is in our vital national interest to send an additional 31,242 U.S. troops to Afghanistan. After 18 months, 19,236 will come home and 14,274 will go back, then 12,900 will come home and 19,001 will go back and then they will all come home and then even more will go back and then some will come home and others will go back and then we will go to North Korea and we will continue to ignore Mexico until the lying, murdering thugs in that nation annex every inch of American territory – but even then troops, that’s you, will go back and forth to Afghanistan for EVER. If you think that sounds crazy, well, next week I am going to show you how we are going to pay for all this. These are the resources that we need to seize the initiative, while building the Afghan capacity that can allow for a responsible transition of our forces out of Afghanistan and back in again and out again and in again.
I do not make this decision lightly. I opposed the war in Iraq precisely because I believe that we must exercise restraint in the use of military force, and always consider the long-term consequences of our actions. We have been at war for eight years, at enormous cost in lives and resources and that is why I believe in this war in Afghanistan because we must exercise restraint in the use of military force, and always consider the long-term consequences of our actions. Wash your hands after every meal. REMEMBER THIS!
Years of debate over Iraq and terrorism have left our unity on national security issues in tatters, and created a highly polarized and partisan backdrop for this effort and that is why we have to get in there, get the ball and keep running like we are never going to stop because we can’t stop and we got the ball and it’s the last down and …excuse me. Having just experienced the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, which is over because I say so and because I ended it along with my assistants from JPMorganChase, the Bank of America, the New York Stock Exchange and the Chicago Mercantile Exchange the American people are understandably focused on rebuilding our economy and putting people to work here at home because many of them have been thrown out of their homes. They have no place to live. You must fight and die for that.
As President, I have signed a letter of condolence to the family of each American who gives their life in these wars. I have read the letters from the parents and spouses of those who deployed. I am really sad. I have visited our courageous wounded warriors at Walter Reed and it really makes me sad to see the guys without eyes, arms, legs – never able to walk, talk or move again – and when they are dead it makes me even sadder. I am sad. Don’t you feel sorry for me? YOU MUST.
I have traveled to Dover to meet the flag-draped caskets of 18 Americans returning home to their final resting place. That was too much. I won’t do that again, I tell you. It was a sorrowful experience and it made me sad and the traffic coming back was terrible especially at the roundabout near the Smithsonian. I see firsthand the terrible wages of war and poor traffic lighting. I see it close up. It’s in my face. I always look at the pictures and sometimes try to draw what I see but I really get more out of drawing what I feel. If I did not think that the security of the United States and the safety of the American people were at stake in Afghanistan, I would gladly order every single one of our troops home tomorrow but I think that and won’t ever change my mind no matter how wrong I might be so – too bad. It’s my war and it’s going to go on and on and on.
So no – I do not make this decision lightly. So, no - I make this decision because I am convinced that our security is at stake in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Honduras and parts of Madagascar but not Mexico – So, no - this is the epicenter of the violent extremism, right here, practiced by al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida. It is from here that we were attacked on 9/11, I mean there, from Afghanistan, in New York, New York, Afghanistan, and not from Saudi Arabia where the terrorists are from, it’s from there, Afghanistan, New York, so, no, and it is from here that new attacks are being plotted as I speak. Can’t you hear them? I can. This is no idle danger; no hypothetical threat; no make believe; no Mary Poppins story – how I HATE Mary Poppins stories. In the last few months alone, we have apprehended extremists within our borders who were sent here from the border region of Afghanistan, New York and Pakistan, Venezuela to commit new acts of terror and violence and things.
This danger will only grow if the region slides backwards, and al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida can operate with impunity. We must keep the pressure on al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida so that they don’t backslide, and to do that, we must increase the stability and capacity of our partners in the region by increasing them and one day finding a partner. Skip to my lou, my darlin’.
So, no, of course, this burden is not ours alone to bear. So, no, this is not just America’s war. It’s my war too. I love this war. It’s my first real war and I’m going to keep it going. Since 9/11, al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida’s safe-havens have been the source of attacks against London and Amman and Bali and Macy’s. The people and governments of both Afghanistan and Pakistan are endangered. They are like American Eagles only worse – because there are a few thousand American eagles in the world but only one Pakistan and one Afghanistan. See? See what I mean? Even though they are corrupt, brutal and intent on wiping out several different peoples in their borders because they look a little different we must help them do all that so that they can establish their national identities. And the stakes are even higher within a nuclear-armed Pakistan, because we know that al Qaeda, Al-Qaeda alternatively spelled al-Qaida and sometimes al-Qa'ida and other extremists seek nuclear weapons, and we have every reason to believe that they would use them and, after all, Pakistan is led by a bunch of crazy nut-jobs.
As a country, we are not as young – and perhaps not as innocent, I know I’m not, what with all the pot smoking and things – as we were when Roosevelt was President – the first Roosevelt because we weren’t that young when the second Roosevelt was President but most of you weren’t born yet anyway.
This vast and diverse citizenry will not always agree on every issue – nor should we – every once in a while we should fight – want to fight right now? I’ve got the Army – you don’t.
It is easy to forget that when this war began, we were united – bound together by the fresh memory of a horrific attack and enjoying the sweet feeling of sadness and warmth of the passion of the sorrow of the people we watched on television screaming their heads off.
America – we are passing through a time of great trial. I will put you on trial if you don’t support me. And the message that we send in the midst of these storms must be clear: that our cause is just, our resolve unwavering and we will kill you if you get in the way. It’s out umbrella and we won’t let go. We will go forward with the confidence that right makes might and will act as if might makes right if we need to, so don’t mess with us, oh, no, and with the commitment to forge an America that is safer than it was before I showed up, a world that is more secure than the one that existed before I showed up, and a future that represents not the deepest of fears but the highest of hopes for all Trial Lawyers like the Offices of Vice President Joe Biden – he fights for you. Thank you, God Bless you all, so much, I love every one of you and I want to live in your houses with you. If you want you can get a small replica of me to put on a special table in your house and I will be your household god so that God may Bless our troops, and eventually even may save the United States of America from me. Stay tuned for details. ###
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